I spent the first three quarters of 2009 basically fooling myself into thinking I was happy or at least happier. I focused on things like getting rid of the clutter in my life, you know those low urgency/low importance tasks? I focused on getting more organized, this from the organizational queen. HA! I focused on simplifying my life and getting rid of those pesky "energy drains." I focused on finding closure on areas of my life that weren't quite working for me any longer, selling a house and committing to finally complete my bachelor's degree. I focused on acting like I was happy, the whole "fake it 'til you make it" approach. I thought I'd made real progress and I even blogged about it all the way into September.
Then in October, I had a lightbulb moment that changed my life. I found my passion drummer. Blog entries began pouring out of me, one after the other. I'm not exactly sure what happened that day. Perhaps it was as easy as me giving myself permission to really see the world from the simplistic value system required to find happiness on a daily basis. Perhaps it was devine intervention. Whatever the case, I'm a changed individual. Although I still find myself falling back into my old familiar goal-driven thoughts and behaviors, when I start "feeling the ugly" it yanks me right back to the passion drummer. I can and will continue to cultivate my happiness now that I realize that it's all up to me. It's a choice.
Jason didn't think I'd ever really get it. In fact, he thought I didn't want to get it. More to the point, it wasn't that I didn't get it, or didn't want to get it, it was that I dismissed the simplicity of the passion drummer as not sophisticated enough for my complicated life. What a silly silly goal-driven person I was being. I spun around in the mouse wheel of the goal-driven way of life with cyclical highs and lows and couldn't figure out why I was feeling unfulfilled. Now it's as easy for me to identify this in others as the color of someone's eyes.
It has changed so much about how I see my world. I used to love movies with a lot of drama but now see that so many of those stories are simply about passion drummer roles clashing with goal driven roles. Those stories use to hold such complex paradoxes for me and now they are obvious and uninteresting. But other movies that I would have thought stupid or bizarre, now help me see and redefine my world in ways that I wasn't capable of understanding before.
I never found "that one passion" and I've decided to abandon such a expectation-laden goal. Instead, I now just pursue those things that I find enjoyment in. Those pursuits are all over the board. Creative Writing. Sewing/Quilting. Web Development. Yoga. Knitting. Hiking. Weaving. Gaming (mostly MMORPGS and Wii Fit although Jason can get me to play Modern Warfare 2 co-op if I'm drunk enough HA!). Reading. Dance. Home improvements (next project is installing laminate flooring in the main bedroom). Pottery. Jewelry making. Movies. Maybe running (after my toe nail grows out). And I may decide to pursue a game development degree but that is still a ways off. The one constant is my love of learning something new. I still get bored quickly but now I don't judge myself for that. I just move on to the next thing that excites me and gets my passion drummer beating a little faster. I'm happy at home. I'm happy at work. I'm happy.
In the end, I stumbled upon happiness in a debate in the back seat of a car with a co-worker. I'll be forever grateful to Barton, Roger and Jason for being the catalysts to that light-bulb moment. The beauty of the themed year approach is that I have incorporated this knowledge and behavior into my life and it is now a part of who I am. It's not just some task, some check list item, that is done and forgotten. I've changed. I've grown. And that is priceless.
What's in store for 2010? That's coming up next. I've already focused many years on "mind" and "spirit" themes. This new year is going to be dedicated to "body." It's health and fitness and everything physical. I have been neglecting my physical being for quite some time and I have decided I need to give the physical me some love and attention.